What you missed at last night's Hater's Ball

Last night changed our lives forever.
It was, perhaps, the best night that has ever occurred.
On the planet.
First of all, there was something about the lighting at the Record Bar. It was as though we were all being filmed with a soap opera lens. It was like everyone who came through the doors of the RB became smokin-hot, superhero versions of themselves. It was, like, everything we could do not to make out with each other. In fact, all the Stylegirls did.

One of the owners, Shawn Sherril, was in a grr-eat mood. He was passing out free drinks around his bar like it was water. Marcus from the Soul Servers was there, holding a bottle of Patron in one hand and a bottle of Grand Marnier in the other, just alternating sips. I don't know if Shawn won the lottery or what, because he was just giving away the house. I think I heard him say something about the Roman Numerals winning a Grammy.

Anyway, then Shawn had the chefs in the kitchen make this giant pizza, it was like 10 feet across, and in the middle of it was a giant SIKE tag written in pepperoni. I wish I'd gotten a picture of it, but it was so good that we pretty much demolished it before I could get my camera out. I'm still full.

Then, he gave everyone shares of Apple stock.

The music that Sike and Nest and DJ Jah spun ended up having some kind of supernatural effect, because who walked through the door, but Stevie Wonder. He said that he could just tell that really great music was being played somewhere, so he ordered his private pilot to fly him to the location of the greatest DJ set in history, and lo and behold, there he was on our dance floor. That dude can cut a rug. You don't need eyes to do the percolator. You don't need sight to do one of those moves where you jump in the air and do the splits on the floor on the way down, and then jump right back up like you were attached to strings. No. Stevie Wonder proved that last night.

And then, the most amazing thing happened. The ghosts of Tupac and Biggie and Aliyah materialized in the middle of the dance floor. I think Jeff Buckley appeared with them, which I thought was weird, but I just figured maybe they all party together up in musician heaven. 'Cuz it's all good. Anyway they said the greatest vibe on earth was taking place right there, at the Record Bar, and they had to come see it for themselves because it was almost better than the concert going on in heaven at the moment. Which is crazy because they said James Brown and Miles Davis were up there jammin'.


Man, if you missed it, I just don't know what to tell you. You should probably just kill yourself. Because there's never gonna be a night as great as last night ever again.