Gas Leak at Jilly's?

Seriously, call someone from MGE to go check that shit out, because people were acting inordinantly ar-tarded last night at Jilly's.

Me and Sike walk in, after seeing "Letters to Iwo Jima," dead sober, at like 11:20. Tactic's spinning. Great! But there's only like 30 people in the bar, and one squat girl dancing. When I say "dancing,' what I really mean is "stumbling to something that vaguely resembles a beat." Some guy trips past, walking as though he's got an anvil in one pocket, spilling a dollop of beer out of his plastic cup with every step, til one of his friends sits him down.

So naturally, we figure we need a drink. Two shots of patron and two Pabsts. The bartender, a really pretty brunette woman, serves us cheerily, but she's kind of got a Paula Abdul slurring thing going on, too. After our shot, she comes and grabs the salt shaker, and then, as if we still needed it, she's like, "Oops! It's right there. It's not going anywhere," and leaves it for us. Uhh, thanks.

Did you know Paula Abdul is Syrian and Jewish? Me neither. Ah, Wikipedia. Anyway.

So then this blond girl, who I found out later was a friend of Sike's ex, starts talking to him. I have a thing where I don't like it if people bust in and start talking to my boyfriend without at least acknowledging me first, if I'm standing right there, so I just ignore her and start surveying the room. I watch this dude nearly take out a table falling face first on the floor. What are these people drinking, arsenic? Lead paint chips mixed in antifreeze? Did Budweiser change the recipe to lithium instead of hops? WTF.

Next thing I know, Sike is PULLING me across the room, straight fleeing that blond girl who was talking to him, and she has this surprised look on her face. He goes for his usual people-are-freaking-me-out hideout, by the dj table. I go sit down in a booth. The blond girl is looking at me from across the room.

Sike's hideout isn't very effective, as two girls pounce on him, cornering him. He's holding his beer in front of him like it's some magic beacon that might ward off freaks. One of the girls is the drunk one from the dance floor and I realize she's Casey, this girl who used to work at Jilly's. Only she used to be cute. This is like the Back to the Future II version of Casey, when you realize that you fucked something up in the past and now the present is this twisted, sad version of itself. A version that drank too much Tussin.

Meanwhile, some girl in a booth is having her back rubbed by her friends and has her head in her hands. Oh god, I really don't want to see any puke.

Casey's going, "I looove you! I looooove you!" I'm considering saving Sike from these girls but I'm kind of amused by the torture, and just then, the blond girl from before has crossed the room and is right in front of me.

She introduces herself (she said a name but all I heard was "wonk wonk wonk") and says, "I used to be friends with (Sike's ex). I hope I didn't freak him out, I just, I'm really into astrology and I was trying to tell him that he's the ultimate Scorpio. See, if a scorpion is backed into a corner, it would rather sting itself to death than allow you to kill it. And Scorpios are really hard on themselves and they know their faults and they'll tell you what their faults are before they let you...." wonk wonk wonk wonk.

No wonder Sike ran from this chick -- he hates astrology crap, or more accurately, the people that try to press it on you and use it like they know the first fucking thing about you. But I'm not about to tell blondie that.

She's saying, "I was just afraid that I freaked him out because the way you guys walked away, I felt like I was back in high school or something."

Uh huh.

"Maybe you understand," she says, looking at me closely. I'm thinking SIIIIKE HEEEEEEELP MEEE! "I'm a wierd one. You know, the universe speaks to me? And sometimes I know things I shouldn't know? Like before they happen?"

I was trying really hard to keep my face straight but I must have failed, because she abruptly got pissed, turned on her heel and returned to the bar. I followed her and I think she thought I was going to apologize but I looked past her at the bartender and ordered another beer. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.